I am so done with binge eating.

When I look through my long history, I know that I actually improved. I used to binge every day or a few days a week. Now I binge only 2-3 times a month. But it's enough to stall my weight loss, since I don't have that much to lose.

I start to realize the pattern, once I become more mindful with what I think. I know that sometimes I am willing to slip through a binge because it is just so comforting. The idea of not having to strictly control yet another area in my life. The idea of being able to say f*** it and enjoy my Chinese takeout. That idea is very tempting.

I learn that as long as I think binging is okay and binging has a place in my life, I won't be able to recover. The fact that I always schedule a binge day (or a free day to be more polite) every time I went on a diet is the proof that I acknowledge that binging has a part in my life. Binging is necessary, because I cannot go on food restriction for that long or because a binge keeps me from going insane. In other words, in my term, binging is legal... all along.

So will there ever be a day when I'm truly free from binging? When I don't see any value in eating pass the point of fullness. I see that as long as binging has some positive implication attached to it in one way or another I will never be free. As long as binging represents freedom and relaxing attitude, I will still think it's okay to binge even though it's against my goal of losing weight.

So from now on, I think, binging is not okay for me. It's unacceptable. Like using drug or stabbing myself with a knife, it hurts me like that. It's not the matter of 'allowing yourself to go overboard sometimes.' The fact is no one should binge. It's a mild kind of suicide, hurting yourself physically and emotionally like that.

And by binging here I mean eating pass the point of comfort, stuffing your mouth even when you don't need food anymore. Though at the time it can be marginally pleasurable. But imagine the next hour or the next day when bloated feeling kick in, it's like hurting yourself with poison really.

I want to try to feel comfortable at the calorie limit I set to myself. Like my boyfriend, who is okay with mild hunger and even allow it to happen on the regular basis. Why do people keep saying, when they give weight loss advice, that  you don't need to be hungry to lose weight and so on? The fact is if you don't let yourself get hungry and try to feel comfortable with it, you will never be able to lose weight and keep it off. Because you don't take time for your body and your mind to adjust to the new setpoint, you feed the hormone cycle which keep you at the weight you don't want to be.

Okay, enough rant for today. I got a lot of deep ideas lately. I will try to put it down here before it's gone. Yesterday, I sent 3 emails to myself. One for today, one for tomorrow, and one for the next day. The purpose is to remind myself of what I am thinking at the moment I am motivated. So when the stree set in, I won't just forget everything and grab something to binge again. I want this blog to be the same. Something I can read when I want to binge and it talks me out of self-destructive behavior. This way I, in the past, can be there for me in the future.

Thank you!

Sorry, it takes me a while to compile comments and digest it. Among other things, I am under tremendous stress right now to finish assignments and everything. So I sort of ignore the problems at the moment.

I want to make this post about you. All of you who come and sacrifice a portion of your time helping me. Thank you so much. And, reading your comments back and forth, there were tears in my eyes. I can't say thank you enough. thank you and thank you!

There are a lot of good ideas that make me look back at my history and want to do something right for my body and soul. I can't help thinking that maybe it's the stress I have to tolerate at this point in my life that makes me cry out and scream about something that is not at all a big deal. I mean during the summer when I work 8 hours like a normal human being I lost 10 lbs over 2-3 months and feel very happy. I have time to meditate everyday and I act more rationally than this. Right now I made my life all about work, from opening my eyes in the morning to going to bed at night. No plan would work if my usage of time is messed up in the first place. I could imagine that in 2 weeks or so, once the semester is over, I will be the sane me again. Then the fats have to watch out cuz I will be burning it like nobody's business.

In the future, I will have to think about what's the source of happiness in my life. Is being the busiest girl in the world the ultimate goal of my life? Absolutely not. I have to find balance in my life first and for sure balance in food consumption should not be too hard to pursue.

In terms of what to do dietwise, I thought I have a clue but I don't. So I now choose to let go of control in that area, at least for another 2 weeks. I won't weigh myself and put myself into yet another diet. Hopefully my body and mind would see no points in rebelling since there is no control to fight with. And I will start working on my mentality, turning down the negative voice and turning up the positive voice. Love myself and be there for myself whether it's fat or skinny day.

And again thank you!
Thank you Etana! you are such a wise woman. I have checked BFL pages and read your log. It opens my eyes in a lot of ways. I was just in the wrong focus and I have to find the middle space between perfect and failure. I will pop in for a chat at your house in JP sometimes. I will let you know how I am doing. After all, we are Metarepair alumni!

Thank you Sinead! You have a motherly spirit. You have been here in my blog for a while with encouragement and kind words. I appreciate everything you have done both for me and for other people over at Leigh's website. I like reading your comments. They make my heart warm and glowing. I hope the blessing you give out go back to you and help you stay happy the way you are! ((HUGSS))

Thank you Mandy! Thank you for offering help in personal level. Your comment reminds me that I have life after this. I will be in my 30s one day looking back to my life today. And I want to feel no regrets. I know I will win this battle eventually. I have to first get through this setback.

Thank you Cynthia! Your comment makes me look back to all the positive things that have happened in my life and things that I have done right. My situation with food used to be worse. I now know a lot more about nutrition and about myself. I should give myself some credits for that. You are such an in spiration for the work you have invested for your health.I don't know I can push it through like that if I were you.

And thank my friends at Peertrainer who offer helps and encouragement all along, although they didn't post it here. I love all of you and I'm glad we found each other!

The day I look back at my life and ask for help.

I have been struggling with weight issue for a few years now. And I want, so badly, to take control of it. So I go online, do research, and tried several things. I used to get professional help, but I haven't found a good one and I don't have money to find a good one. So I sort of self-help along the way. Now I am tired to thinking, being obsessed about it alone, cuz it never help. There might be something I haven't thought of, and people who look at it from the outside might see something I don't. So I decide to post everything up and ask for help.

Okay, here I will explain what happened. This is not only what happened in these few months but what happened for a few YEARS. Yes, I have been in this trap for a few years now. And once I began logging and journaling about my problems more regularly, I am ready to make summary and make the next conscious move. Something inspires me to write this log and invite people, who don't know me in real life, but are willing to listen, to come here, and to help. Yes I ask for help. When was the last time I dared asking for help??

Here's my diet history in this past months as journaled in this "Battle Overeating" blog and other logs. Just to give you an idea of what happened in a small time frame.

Sep 1 - Read sugar addict ebook and decided to give up sugar. The plan is intact for around 15 hours then I binged on all kind of sugary stuff.
Sep 1 - After overeating, wrote a letter to myself, BEGGED myself not to do it again.
Sep 2 - Started 42-hour fast hoping to stabilize blood sugar. Which is intact for another 20 hours or so and I decided to break it and binge.
Sep 13 - Reading stuff here and there, trying to search for a new solution, yet again.
Set 14 - Got encouraged somehow and started dieting again.
Sep 28 - Got lost again, I guess. So I set up two rules, sey no to junk food and don't eat when I'm not hungry.
Sep 29 - Boldly annouced I will never go on diet again.

Oct 14 - (122.5lbs) Start eating-clean challenge Day 1 where I eat only vegetables and lean meat. No processed food and refined carb.
Oct 19 - Stop eating-clearn challenge to start One Big Meal challenge with Leigh Peele's website.
Oct 25 - (119.5lbs) After one-week of compliance, lost 3 lbs in a week.
Oct 26 - went on another binge.

Nov 1 - Jump on the wagon again with the same weight (122.5)
Nov 3 - Realized that I have problem with accountability. Can't keep myself to follow through the plan till the end so, with super high motivation, join peer trainer and form a 100% accountability group to work on it.
Nov 10 - Start 7-day raw-food diet plan beginning with 24-hour fast and eat only raw food for a week.
Nov 15 - (119 lbs) After 2 weeks of accoutability and 4 weeks of one-big meal challenge lost 3.5 lbs.
Nov 16 - Finish raw food diet.
Nov 17 - BINGE. Big time and gained all the weight back yet again!!
Nov 18 - Go on a 24-hour fast which was broken 20 hours after that.

The same cycle happened for almost 2 years now. My highest weight is 125 and my lowest weight, during this struggle is 116lbs. My lowest weight in adult life is 102lbs (where I basically eat 500 cals a day for two months. But that is prior to this vicious cycle.) I believe my metabolism is normal, but I am not quite sure. So other than what I have written here, I have tried southbeach, atkins, Beck diet solution, Lyle's rapid fat loss, intermittent fasting, eating disorder self-help psychotherapy, other psychotherapy techniques, Leigh's metabolic repair and metaburn, the secret, meditation, EFT, not including all kinds of diets I came up with myself and some no-name diets I found on the internet. For exercise, I did all kinds of stuff, weight lifting, 2-hour a day cardio, HIIT, or just increasing my NEAT without formal exercise, yoga, collanetics, pilates. I also bought a whole lots of supplements from cleansing products to herbs to fat-burning pills to appetite suppressant or just plain vitamins and mineral. I just don't know anymore. Everything works but after I achieved the result I would binge and gain back all the weight.

I also tried giving up the goal of losing weight (just be satisfied with your 26' waist for god's sake!) Or just think that I have no problem whatsoever. That plan was not intact either. After a while when I see hollywood celebrities, I will start believing again that I, too, can have that kind of body.

And everything fell into this cycle. I started, I stopped, I was back to my misery. I still don't get the body I want.

I am not a low-willpower person, I know that. Otherwise I would have given up after failling over and over and over. Often time I can stay in the plan perfectly and I can tolerate some level of hardship. And in other areas of life I am not stuck in a vicious loop like this. I am in IVY league school, I have high GPA, and I am successful in life. I have terrific relationship with my family and boyfriend. Why do I keep failing in this stupid weight issue???

I'm narrowing down to a few things.
1. Psychology. I have no social life, because I refused to eat in front of people and I have body image issue. I always hide myself in a big sweater. I'm stressed and depressed about my weight problem and how I fail in social life. I am constantly worried about the future and scared about how I am going to make a living, have a family, and have kids. I am stressed with my college life and responsibilities. I might have addiction - food addiction or sugar addiction. I'm just mentally ill. Or there might be some deeper issue I don't know.

2. I have subtle health issue, like blood sugar imbalance, hormone imbalance. My family has some diabetes trait. I used to have problem with menstrual period (from not eating properly.) I am constipated most of the time in my life. I have digestive issue. I think I have parasite from my skin irritation problems. I'm tired most of the time. I have intense craving.

3. I'm not in a winning mindset. I just haven't tried enough. I'm used to failing and don't believe I can win. I am perfectionist. I'm a loser who thought she is a perfectionist. I am searching too much and not practicing them. I am procrastinator.

I know after reading this, you see -- My life is pathetic -- So please help. Give me your thoughts. What should I do? What's wrong with me? I just want to listen. I don't want to waste my young life anymore. And if I don't come out and be completely clear about it, I will be wasting one year after another and end up wasting my whole life. I want to stop it now. I really do.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 16

Today's post is just a rant. I am so stressful. I really really am. I crave junk food. I DO CRAVE junk food. I know that I should think positive (maybe luring myself that I don't crave it.) But I do. Very intensely.

Yesterday night was extremely hard. My good friend whom I haven't seen for almost a year come visit and I was called out to join him at a korean restuarant, my favorite one. It's 8pm and I have reached my calorie limit for the day. So I was forced to watch everybody eat and could only drink water! Then they 'continued' on to a pizzaria and chicken wings. Actually they stopped by at a premium chocolate cake place before but, luckily for me, it was too crowded. I was forced to see and smell all kinds of pizza and I wanted it! Anyway, I survived that trip without eating anything. However, when I came home, being in 35% calorie deficit and having to stay up late to work, I was brutally hungry. I tolerate until around 1am and I went insane. I craved and craved like I cannot help myself. A cup of hot cocoa couldn't hold me satisfied. I finally give in to a bowl of salad,some turkey, and egg at 2pm. I gain .2 kg when I woke up this morning.

And right now I am sitting hungry. I CRAVE junk food. My stomach is literally crying out loud. How I wish I could have a bowl of ice cream with cookie dough topping and some peanut better M&Ms! I told myself yesterday that every time I crave something I can just write it out of my chest. And this is what I am doing. It's a daily struggle and, like every other day, I ask "will I ever be free from this vicious cycle?" I hope I will. I really do.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 15

Same challenge. New approach!

I admit that I almost quit this challenge because the overwhelming stress from many directions. And I also admit that I binged, badly. In a way, my problem is different from other dieters. I do not worry about excess weight or health. It's a pure mental struggle of the remains of eating disorder that is still in my mind. My ultimate goal is to stop worrying about food. And to engage in a strict diet program is not a typical way to reach that goal.

After all, I must not lose the insight. I cannot lose control of my eating habit. I cannot live that way, strolling from one binge to the next. It's much worse than what I feel the first week while staying in calorie deficit. I was literally sick after the binge. My body revolted against such an unhealthy habit. Eventually I have to do what's right to my body. And my mind will hopefully realize that there's nothing attractive about binging and stop craving for one.

Wow, I'm a big girl now (at least bigger.) I usually just run away when I break the challenge. I hope next time I will come and confess, fearlessly asking for support right after one small binge and put a stop to it. That's what a real big girl does, right?

This post is getting long. Let's see my update.
Morning weight 55.6 kg (122.5lbs.) Back to where I started! Damn! At the back of my mind I am really happy because it can be much much worse, considering what I have binged.
A picture of my big meal last week.

Super Coleslaw. Although it looks messy, it tastes terrific. I still think about it now. The yummiest big meal ever!

I actually made some high-protein cheesecake too, from cottage cheese, whey protein, jello, and strawberries. But it ended up terrible. And I have to throw it away. That's the first day my big meal challenge shattered. I went to school on that day without my big meal and without any plan B and ended up buying food again. That's actually where the snow ball started rolling.

However, to those who are better at cooking, this cheesecake can totally work. You can grab the recipe here.

One of the big problems last week was the fact that I simply do not have time for cooking and cleaning. The whole process takes me 1-1.30 hours each day and requires me to come back home (instead of staying at the library or in the lab like I always do.) My house is pretty far away from campus so I usually just stay at home and try to study. That doesn't work well at all. I know I am significantly less productive. Another thing is that I am applying to grad school in a month and it means the world to me. I need more time to clear up all assignments and work on my applications. I simply need more time even though it's an hour a day. It actually helps tremendously in my super busy life.

So yesterday I come up with a way to stay in the challenge and waste no time -- COOKING SUPER BIG MEALS. I cooked 5-day worth of food, stored each meal in a handy ziploc box, and freeze them. They I labeled what meal it's for. For example, I wrote down Mon2 for the second meal of Monday. This way I have my healthy and cheap grab and go station for the next five days!

And I will update this blog less often since it takes some time to do as well. I know if I save minutes here and there, like saving money, I will end up with much more time to do what's really important for me.

So I will come back again next week with awesome progress. Good luck to you all!