I am so done with binge eating.

When I look through my long history, I know that I actually improved. I used to binge every day or a few days a week. Now I binge only 2-3 times a month. But it's enough to stall my weight loss, since I don't have that much to lose.

I start to realize the pattern, once I become more mindful with what I think. I know that sometimes I am willing to slip through a binge because it is just so comforting. The idea of not having to strictly control yet another area in my life. The idea of being able to say f*** it and enjoy my Chinese takeout. That idea is very tempting.

I learn that as long as I think binging is okay and binging has a place in my life, I won't be able to recover. The fact that I always schedule a binge day (or a free day to be more polite) every time I went on a diet is the proof that I acknowledge that binging has a part in my life. Binging is necessary, because I cannot go on food restriction for that long or because a binge keeps me from going insane. In other words, in my term, binging is legal... all along.

So will there ever be a day when I'm truly free from binging? When I don't see any value in eating pass the point of fullness. I see that as long as binging has some positive implication attached to it in one way or another I will never be free. As long as binging represents freedom and relaxing attitude, I will still think it's okay to binge even though it's against my goal of losing weight.

So from now on, I think, binging is not okay for me. It's unacceptable. Like using drug or stabbing myself with a knife, it hurts me like that. It's not the matter of 'allowing yourself to go overboard sometimes.' The fact is no one should binge. It's a mild kind of suicide, hurting yourself physically and emotionally like that.

And by binging here I mean eating pass the point of comfort, stuffing your mouth even when you don't need food anymore. Though at the time it can be marginally pleasurable. But imagine the next hour or the next day when bloated feeling kick in, it's like hurting yourself with poison really.

I want to try to feel comfortable at the calorie limit I set to myself. Like my boyfriend, who is okay with mild hunger and even allow it to happen on the regular basis. Why do people keep saying, when they give weight loss advice, that  you don't need to be hungry to lose weight and so on? The fact is if you don't let yourself get hungry and try to feel comfortable with it, you will never be able to lose weight and keep it off. Because you don't take time for your body and your mind to adjust to the new setpoint, you feed the hormone cycle which keep you at the weight you don't want to be.

Okay, enough rant for today. I got a lot of deep ideas lately. I will try to put it down here before it's gone. Yesterday, I sent 3 emails to myself. One for today, one for tomorrow, and one for the next day. The purpose is to remind myself of what I am thinking at the moment I am motivated. So when the stree set in, I won't just forget everything and grab something to binge again. I want this blog to be the same. Something I can read when I want to binge and it talks me out of self-destructive behavior. This way I, in the past, can be there for me in the future.