I have been struggling with weight issue for a few years now. And I want, so badly, to take control of it. So I go online, do research, and tried several things. I used to get professional help, but I haven't found a good one and I don't have money to find a good one. So I sort of self-help along the way. Now I am tired to thinking, being obsessed about it alone, cuz it never help. There might be something I haven't thought of, and people who look at it from the outside might see something I don't. So I decide to post everything up and ask for help.
Okay, here I will explain what happened. This is not only what happened in these few months but what happened for a few YEARS. Yes, I have been in this trap for a few years now. And once I began logging and journaling about my problems more regularly, I am ready to make summary and make the next conscious move. Something inspires me to write this log and invite people, who don't know me in real life, but are willing to listen, to come here, and to help. Yes I ask for help. When was the last time I dared asking for help??
Here's my diet history in this past months as journaled in this "Battle Overeating" blog and other logs. Just to give you an idea of what happened in a small time frame.
Sep 1 - Read sugar addict ebook and decided to give up sugar. The plan is intact for around 15 hours then I binged on all kind of sugary stuff.
Sep 1 - After overeating, wrote a letter to myself, BEGGED myself not to do it again.
Sep 2 - Started 42-hour fast hoping to stabilize blood sugar. Which is intact for another 20 hours or so and I decided to break it and binge.
Sep 13 - Reading stuff here and there, trying to search for a new solution, yet again.
Set 14 - Got encouraged somehow and started dieting again.
Sep 28 - Got lost again, I guess. So I set up two rules, sey no to junk food and don't eat when I'm not hungry.
Sep 29 - Boldly annouced I will never go on diet again.
Oct 14 - (122.5lbs) Start eating-clean challenge Day 1 where I eat only vegetables and lean meat. No processed food and refined carb.
Oct 19 - Stop eating-clearn challenge to start One Big Meal challenge with Leigh Peele's website.
Oct 25 - (119.5lbs) After one-week of compliance, lost 3 lbs in a week.
Oct 26 - went on another binge.
Nov 1 - Jump on the wagon again with the same weight (122.5)
Nov 3 - Realized that I have problem with accountability. Can't keep myself to follow through the plan till the end so, with super high motivation, join peer trainer and form a 100% accountability group to work on it.
Nov 10 - Start 7-day raw-food diet plan beginning with 24-hour fast and eat only raw food for a week.
Nov 15 - (119 lbs) After 2 weeks of accoutability and 4 weeks of one-big meal challenge lost 3.5 lbs.
Nov 16 - Finish raw food diet.
Nov 17 - BINGE. Big time and gained all the weight back yet again!!
Nov 18 - Go on a 24-hour fast which was broken 20 hours after that.
The same cycle happened for almost 2 years now. My highest weight is 125 and my lowest weight, during this struggle is 116lbs. My lowest weight in adult life is 102lbs (where I basically eat 500 cals a day for two months. But that is prior to this vicious cycle.) I believe my metabolism is normal, but I am not quite sure. So other than what I have written here, I have tried southbeach, atkins, Beck diet solution, Lyle's rapid fat loss, intermittent fasting, eating disorder self-help psychotherapy, other psychotherapy techniques, Leigh's metabolic repair and metaburn, the secret, meditation, EFT, not including all kinds of diets I came up with myself and some no-name diets I found on the internet. For exercise, I did all kinds of stuff, weight lifting, 2-hour a day cardio, HIIT, or just increasing my NEAT without formal exercise, yoga, collanetics, pilates. I also bought a whole lots of supplements from cleansing products to herbs to fat-burning pills to appetite suppressant or just plain vitamins and mineral. I just don't know anymore. Everything works but after I achieved the result I would binge and gain back all the weight.
I also tried giving up the goal of losing weight (just be satisfied with your 26' waist for god's sake!) Or just think that I have no problem whatsoever. That plan was not intact either. After a while when I see hollywood celebrities, I will start believing again that I, too, can have that kind of body.
And everything fell into this cycle. I started, I stopped, I was back to my misery. I still don't get the body I want.
I am not a low-willpower person, I know that. Otherwise I would have given up after failling over and over and over. Often time I can stay in the plan perfectly and I can tolerate some level of hardship. And in other areas of life I am not stuck in a vicious loop like this. I am in IVY league school, I have high GPA, and I am successful in life. I have terrific relationship with my family and boyfriend. Why do I keep failing in this stupid weight issue???
I'm narrowing down to a few things.
1. Psychology. I have no social life, because I refused to eat in front of people and I have body image issue. I always hide myself in a big sweater. I'm stressed and depressed about my weight problem and how I fail in social life. I am constantly worried about the future and scared about how I am going to make a living, have a family, and have kids. I am stressed with my college life and responsibilities. I might have addiction - food addiction or sugar addiction. I'm just mentally ill. Or there might be some deeper issue I don't know.
2. I have subtle health issue, like blood sugar imbalance, hormone imbalance. My family has some diabetes trait. I used to have problem with menstrual period (from not eating properly.) I am constipated most of the time in my life. I have digestive issue. I think I have parasite from my skin irritation problems. I'm tired most of the time. I have intense craving.
3. I'm not in a winning mindset. I just haven't tried enough. I'm used to failing and don't believe I can win. I am perfectionist. I'm a loser who thought she is a perfectionist. I am searching too much and not practicing them. I am procrastinator.
I know after reading this, you see -- My life is pathetic -- So please help. Give me your thoughts. What should I do? What's wrong with me? I just want to listen. I don't want to waste my young life anymore. And if I don't come out and be completely clear about it, I will be wasting one year after another and end up wasting my whole life. I want to stop it now. I really do.
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5 comments:
1. I'm just mentally ill. My life
> is pathetic -- So please help.
>Give me your thoughts. What
> should I do? What's wrong with me?
I took transformational courses in Landmark Education http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
... that taught me that you are a NORMAL HUMAN BEING. The human is a machine that operates automatically. As soon as we get uncomfortable, we have to sabotage ourselves so we can be comfortable again. This is primal.
However, do you need to know "why?" NIKE says, Just do it! But I guess also the "why" has been helpful for me, because I am now gentler with my falls, and get up quicker, because I know that I do cheat, so i build a diet around that, I allow myself counted and written cheats and daily chocolate, but a litte. Since I am a binger by nature too. Just think how lucky you are that you don't have a drug or stealing or cigarette addiction!
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2. how I fail in social life. ..constantly worried about the future and scared; stressed with ... responsibilities.
Get counselling... this is the deeper issue. But it too is what being human is all about. If you can learn to accept it instead of judging it. That's what I learned at the Landmark Forum, not to JUDGE, but just to see, and see what is fact and what is my own interpretation; ie; fact=you ate sugar and exceeded your deficit; your story/interpretation = you are a failure. (me too! I think it is very common).
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3. I might have addiction - food addiction or sugar addiction.
Yes, I/you have a sugar addiction, like a drug addiction. So I need to accept that I do, learn to manage it, plan for an occasional 1 day refeed of junk food, or 1 week of junk food, learn to have my refeeds be healthier food, get back with the program quicker each time is my goal.
I eat 5 small meals / day now because I don't know how to feed myself, so I am learning to eat small meals and I know when to eat and how much to eat. And becasue they are small, if I eat a larger restaurant meal, I notice I am overfull, where I used to not notice.
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4. I have subtle health issue, like blood sugar imbalance, hormone imbalance. My family has some diabetes trait; menstrual period; constipated most of the time; digestive issue; parasite from my skin irritation; tired most;
I am 62. I just had a colonoscophy. The doctor said it was stretched out and very "redundent" curled onto itself and bad elasticity. Have you ever seen Dr. Oz on the Oprah show where he shows healthy organs and unhealthy ones? I see you only are talking about 3 pounds up or down makes you a failure or success. What are you doing to your inside organs. Focus on loving yourself, loving your body, wearing pretty clothing. You don't weigh 150 or 250 or 350, so it is ALL made up in your head, and you need to focus on NOT being a perfectionist; that is where I would advise you to start. Look at my log; I've begun writing 1-2 accomplishments every day.
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5.intense craving... I'm not in a winning mindset. ... I'm used to failing and don't believe I can win. I am perfectionist. I'm a loser who thought she is a perfectionist
Eating your body weight in healthy protein will make the craving disappear. Limit sugar to 50 or 100 or 200 cal/ day, so you don't have to be perfect to be a winner; instead of a failure.
read this:
http://skwigg.com/id76.html
Body for Life for Cheaters and Binge Eaters
1. always hide myself in a big sweater.
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you need to focus on NOT being a perfectionist; that is where I would advise you to start. Accepting yourself, feeling pretty, smart, relaxing. And eat your weight in healthy protein.
http://forums.jpfitness.com/training-log/34294-etana-repairs.html
all the best,
another human who used to be a failure, Etana
> I crave junk food. I DO CRAVE junk food.
You crave it because you eat it. Or you go totally without and deprive yourself. See if you can avoid sugar for a week, and then learn to allow yourself something really special every day, (I get really embarrassed writing in fitday that I had "laffy taffy" so pathetic. But even 1 piece of that can be "treating myself well" instead of "binging on 10."
That would be a real accomplishment for you to have balance between
perfection <-- or --> failure.
Etana
Warasa, first let me say that I think that some of the things that you mention will need more help that you can get over the internet. I think you should really consider getting some counseling to work through some of the problems that you have mentioned.
Secondly, it seems that you have a history of bouncing around from one thing to the next. Try to choose a balanced program. Maybe instead of dieting right now, your focus should be on following a plan that will teach you to eat properly. Before you learn how to eat properly and restrain yourself from binges (or at least binge properly), then you are dooming yourself to a life of bouncing back and forth from healthy habits to unhealthy habits.
Find a healthy and balanced eating plan. Very few plans will be successful on a long-term range if they are cutting out major foods. You don't necessarily have to stop eating them--you just have to learn how to eat them in moderation.
Once you have picked that plan, stick to it. Sure, you might stumble or go backwards a bit. Don't let that derail you. Messing up once doesn't mean that you have failed--it just means that you have messed up. Pick yourself right back up and get back on plan. Keep pushing yourself to reach little goals.
Don't give up, Warasa. You're a small girl, but you definitely seem to have some body image issues. I think that if you can address those issues AND learn how to start eating in a healthy manner, you will find that you are much happier. (((hugs))) You know that we're always around!
I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there and done that. I am now 30yrs old with a family and I look back and wish I could change things. but its too late. Dont make the same mistake, you are too young to waste your life.
your #1 problem: you have body image issues. You are NOT fat at 119lbs.
#2-you are focusing on the wrong thing, which is restricting your food intake. This is where your problems begin. I suggest you look at Lyle Mcdonald's flexible dieting books.
#3-you are in college and you are surrounded by food and you have stress. Did you know your brain needs glucose to function? Dont make the mistake I did in college: I had no life, I was obsessed with my weight and the gym, and had trouble studying because my nutrition was poor.
Email me if you want to talk more, i have ALOT of experience with this
mlg_0678@yahoo.com
Whew! OK... you've gotten some very good comments already from both Etana and Sinead! Sorry I wasn't around sooner... I read your post this morning, but had to race off to water aerobics before I could respond.
Here's what's striking me... you have ten excess pounds that are bugging you and in the past two and a half months, you've tried something like SEVEN different diets/challenges to deal with it?
Relax already! Shedding ten pounds is NOT worth this kind of stress! In fact, the stress and distress you are generating for yourself over it may be part of the problem.
Yeah, I know, the excess weight bugs you and that's normal, but you are going overboard trying to fix it. You are jumping from approach to approach and too quickly even to find out if any of them might work for you if given half a chance.
Do you binge when you are NOT in diet mode? Or does this behavior only happen when you are restricting your eating?
Some folks don't do well with restriction or "off limits" foods. If the dieting is the cause of the binge behavior, then STOP the restrictive dieting!
Include the foods you like in your eating and just account for the calories. At the same time, eat plenty of healthy clean foods and keep your protein up. It may take a little time to switch to healthier clean eating on an everyday basis, but take it slow, forgive your mistakes and just get on with it.
If the binge behavior is a constant, i.e. you do it whether dieting or not, then you need to work on moderating that. You may need to figure out some of the "why" behind it. Write down your state of mind or the circumstances when things get out of control and you binge. See if there are common threads. When you find out what triggers it, do what you can to find a different coping mechanism for the triggers. Counseling may be a big help in this!
You probably won't "cure" this overnight, don't expect that of yourself. But over time, you can lessen the frequency of the binges or the quantity consumed. Or both.
Don't expect yourself to just magically "be there" in a perfect mindset all at once. That's the perfectionist part of you, but I am also a perfectionist and I'm telling you it took me TWO YEARS to get where I am now in relation to food! And I still have small binges from time to time!
I've learned to just forgive myself when I do it and try to do better. Focus on the good things you are doing for yourself health-wise and stop obsessing over the binge incidents. Etana nailed it... less self-judgment required!
I see a lot of myself in you... I have a tendency to start to focus on the negative stuff that is bugging me. One thing that has really helped me in recent years when I start to get down about my life, my weight, my disorganized house, whatever, is to mentally start listing all the things and people I am GRATEFUL for. The stuff that is GOOD in my life. That really helps calm me!
Just that small change in focus can really help!
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