Today's post is just a rant. I am so stressful. I really really am. I crave junk food. I DO CRAVE junk food. I know that I should think positive (maybe luring myself that I don't crave it.) But I do. Very intensely.
Yesterday night was extremely hard. My good friend whom I haven't seen for almost a year come visit and I was called out to join him at a korean restuarant, my favorite one. It's 8pm and I have reached my calorie limit for the day. So I was forced to watch everybody eat and could only drink water! Then they 'continued' on to a pizzaria and chicken wings. Actually they stopped by at a premium chocolate cake place before but, luckily for me, it was too crowded. I was forced to see and smell all kinds of pizza and I wanted it! Anyway, I survived that trip without eating anything. However, when I came home, being in 35% calorie deficit and having to stay up late to work, I was brutally hungry. I tolerate until around 1am and I went insane. I craved and craved like I cannot help myself. A cup of hot cocoa couldn't hold me satisfied. I finally give in to a bowl of salad,some turkey, and egg at 2pm. I gain .2 kg when I woke up this morning.
And right now I am sitting hungry. I CRAVE junk food. My stomach is literally crying out loud. How I wish I could have a bowl of ice cream with cookie dough topping and some peanut better M&Ms! I told myself yesterday that every time I crave something I can just write it out of my chest. And this is what I am doing. It's a daily struggle and, like every other day, I ask "will I ever be free from this vicious cycle?" I hope I will. I really do.
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1 comment:
Sorry I haven't been around lately!
I just want to say that breaking the eating cycle is never easy, but you CAN do it! Persist. Don't get discouraged. Don't beat yourself up for slip-ups, just keep trying to do better.
When I first started eating healthier, I slipped up a lot. Chocolate bars, fast food meals, even binges on healthy foods like peanut butter, dried apricots and the like.
At one time in my life... the period where I got REALLY fat, most of my diet was junk. Some healthier TV dinners, some fruit smoothies made at home, but LOTS of Doritos chips with jalapeno processed cheese dip. BAGS of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Whole packages of croissants! And plenty of fast food meals.
I've been eating healthier for two years now. And what I can tell you is the longer you can keep it up, the easier it gets. Sure, you'll go have some bad stuff every once in a while and enjoy it. But the need does lessen. Some things will actually start to be less desirable. I can't eat a whole bag of Doritos anymore. At best, a small snack sized bag. I don't even want more. I'm realizing I don't really LIKE them anymore! Too salty, they just aren't what I want.
Anyway, in spite of the fact that I've been eating healthier for two years, I've had some backslides during that time. Sometimes for a week or two, sometimes for a few months. Last year I did a crazed McDonald's monopoly fast food binge. And gained back some 10 pounds. It's discouraging, I hate when I sabotage myself like that, but in the end, I re-focus on what I want and it isn't endless binging.
So however bad things seem, they can get better. You can improve. Take it a step at a time. You will be free! Me too. Even if I was dreaming of Reese's last night.
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