Maybe I Don't Want to Quit Overeating

Yesterday I read an ebook about sugar addiction from First Ourselves. [Note To Self: read the whole blog. It's full of uplifting messages.] I place the book down with high motivation, telling myself "bye bye sugar."

The next day I start up the day fresh eating vegetable soup in the morning and broccoli saute for lunch. An hour after lunch, I feel intense and instant craving for cinnamon bun! I don't have cinnamon bun regularly, actually I have 'officially' had it only once.

I thought to myself the mantra I got from the ebook, "I'm stronger that cinnamon bun craving. I choose my life, not the cinnamon bun." I tell myself to hold on for another 15 minutes, if I still want it, I have a choice to go get it. No deprivation.

During that 15 minutes, it was pretty intense craving right there. I started thinking that "I actually don't want to quit sugar." I'm dreadful for the fact that I will never enjoy brownies and cookies again for the rest of my life." It's a heavy feeling.

15 minutes after, I felt funny throughout my body as if my blood was filled with sugar again. The craving disappeared. I become physically happy again, but mentally I have changed from my intention. I think maybe it's a little too extreme to cut out sugar completely from my life.

A few hours later, I went home to have my afternoon meal. I prepared chicken salad for this meal last night. I enjoy it. The first bowl, the second bowl, the third bowl have passed. I told myself that as long as I eat healthy stuff I will allow myself to eat as much as I want.

After 3 bowls of salad, I decided that a handful of cheddar pretzel won't hurt. Then another handful and another one are followed by a stack of cracker, a bowl of cereal and several handfuls of pretzel. I felt so bad for myself. "Here is another time that I fail," I must have thought that. I took a nap to escape from guilt. 2 hours later, I woke up, but napping did not make crappy feeling go away. I swallow another bowl of cereal, several handfuls of pretzel and 2 peanut butter cookies.

I can't stand it anymore.

I am disgusted and disappointed. I am not this person. I feel defeated. Why on earth can I manage to pull perfect grades, and other academic achievements, but surrender to this stupid overeating vicious cycle? Why can't I break free from it. It should be easy and fast. Something as simple as 'not eating.' Something all people in the world can do intuitively. Why the hell do I suffer from this?

I understand exactly the moment I get caught up in craving. I just want the food so much that nothing else matters. Sometimes I take a shortcut by just eating without thinking about it. I avoid the pain of hesitation by stuffing my mouth. I extend my procrastination period a little longer, but keeping food in my mouth. As long as it's meal time, my meal break can extend a little longer and a tiny bit longer. As long as I have food in my mouth...

I know this is negative. I know I am supposed to think positively, picturing myself in the state where I can break free from this shit. I know. But maybe it's time to give myself a wake-up call. This is not okay. This is beyond acting for pleasure. This is beyond moderation. I need to stop it consciously. Whether the approach is to hug myself through it or whip myself through it, I gotta do it.

I immediately open this blog right after the last bite of peanut butter cookie. I hope, by sharing my inner feeling to the world, I can overcome this battle. I will keep updating what I do each day, whether good news or bad news, I will not run away...