No More Diet! Yeah!

I will no longer be on diet. I will never diet again. No fasting, no plan, no low carb, no calorie counting, diet journal whatsoever. I AM DONE.

Living healthy forever is my goal!

I wait until I'm hungry, definitely hungry, like my stomach is crying.

Other time I will turn my face away from food, concentrate on the right thing.

When the urge to eat come up, I ignore it.

When it's time to eat, I eat healthy stuff. I choose low calorie option with maximize satisfaction. I stick to less calorie-dense food.

I stay away from junk food, the best I can. If I really want junk food, I will eat little portion, get satisfied with it as much as possible.

I eat until I feel no longer hungry, then I stop.

I put my mind out of food until my stomach is crying again.

I try to be more active, the best I can.

No more diet, no more. Isn't it a good news?

I will try to update this blog every day to track my progress.

Note to self: For motivation in the future read http://www.craigharper.com.au/2007/01/psychology-of-weight-loss.html and all Craig Harper's posts.

I will win this battle eventually

Today I intend to follow intuitive eating principle. I cannot imagine how I am going to withdraw myself from food addiction. It seems impossible that I will forget about food completely and live my life without the shadow of it. But I know I'm walking towards that direction. Slowly and surely. What I have to concentrate is to keep walking on this track without being distracted by the desire to be thin, to go on yet another diet. I know it does not work and will never work.

Another important thing is to pay attention. Just pay attention even though I still cannot control the urge to overeat and the strong impulse to satisfy it. I only have to pay attention and keep track of it. I will finally understand it if I listen. I can be confident about that even though I have no idea about other things else.


I crave pretzel today after talking to my boyfriend and feel like maybe he's not happy with how I end the conversation. (I excuse myself because I feel like I have so much work to do.) I thought I am not quite an emotional eater. I actually am. I just have to listen.

My Limiting Beliefs

Gradually get rid of my limiting beliefs using three minute therapy. I think these two are really big.

To read more about three minute therapy check this post.

My First Limiting Belief - I can get it done quickly (later)
A. There is so much work to do. I have so much weight to lose. I must do it now.
B. I can lose this weight in a day or two. I can finish all the work in an hour or two. I can build social network easily and quickly. I can come up with brilliant business plan fast and easy. Everything can be done in short period of time.
C. So I will do everything later. I can just overeat and procrastinate now and do everything quickly later. It's going to be okay.
D. If I cannot do it quickly now, how the hell am I able to do it quickly later? And if people have to spend a lot of time doing these things, why can I enjoy the privilege of doing it quickly? I am not a superhero nor am I even a quick person. If I spend more time on a particular thing, I usually can do it better.
E. Many things require time and patience. If I can get it done quickly, great, I will do it. But if it requires time to stabilize and become habit, I will handle it with patience, one by one. I won't rush it and won't avoid it.

My Limiting Belief #2 - I should be guilty of being present
A. I went to a party or some kind of social gathering. The room is sometimes covered with silence. I feel the need to speak as much as possible or walk away or do something that will get rid of the awkwardness. Sometimes there's a slightest sign of rejection, boredom, or any negative energy. For example, people start talking about boring subject as if they have nothing to talk about.
B. My presence make people uncomfortable. I am boring. I cannot make them happy. I worthless and have nothing interesting to talk about. I make it boring. I am the cause of that silence.
C. I don't go to party. I don't socialize. I am sick. I have so much work. I don't like these people. I eat meal before mealtime so that I can say to people that I have already eaten and cannot go eat with them. I reject people before they reject me. I hide myself from people I know.
D. How the hell must it be me? In any social situation it takes two people in the conversation to be quiet for silence to arise. Why do I give that credit to myself and let my conversation partner slip from it? Where is it written as a rule that I must not be annoying? I am annoyed by people from time to time. My friend who is the most sociable person I have ever known is extremely annoying. As a human being, I have flaws and they might irritate people sometimes. I can never meet everybody's expectation. I have to let them learn about my flaws and accept it, just as I want to accept their flaws.
E. As a human being, I am always loved and welcomed. Actually people love me and welcome me, otherwise they won't invite me to join them in the first place. They want to talk and get in touch with me, no matter how I am. I know that because I want the same thing too!

Three Minute Therapy - Battle Overeating in 3 Minutes

This book is based on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT.) To read more about this type of therapy, click here.

To read the chapter associated with overeating, click here.

YouTube Video 1

I applaud her bravery in exposing and sharing her experiences. When I watched it, I gained courage to battle my own problem. I hope it has the same impact on you.

12 hours Into the Fast

Here I am, safe and sane, 12 hours into the fast. I started at 6pm yesterday. There's hunger, of course, which I expect to be more and more intense as time goes by. Fast for 12 hours and fast for 42 hours are completely different stories, but I am glad I made it through 25% without throwing the whole plan out of the window.

The real purpose of writing this blog is to encourage myself and to attach a short note on this fasting experiment before I forget it. I just realize that I haven't experienced real hunger for a week or two now. I eat because of craving from blood sugar roller coaster. Now that I start fasting since I went to bed yesterday evening and try not to eat anything but water when I wake up to study at night, I experience real hunger again! Real hunger is very easy to tolerate, seriously. Unlike fake hunger because of blood sugar fluctuation, real hunger gives me calmness. My head does not run around thinking about high-carb food all the time. I think that if I can maintain this state forever, I will have no issue with food again. I can be like everybody else who forgets about food after finishing a meal and start thinking about food again when the stomach is moaning. That's a fresh idea of the day! I have to note it down here.

Stabilize Blood Sugar with 42-hour Fast

Too much junk again today, but I am not ranting. I will be kind to myself about it. I think my blood sugar is a roller coaster. No matter what I eat for breakfast, it backfires for the rest of the day. I tried eating complex carb mixed with refined carbs and protein or even boiled veggies mixed with protein, but I still feel ups and downs, unbearable craving and such. It's intense...to the point where I think that I should just eat nothing so my blood sugar never rise up too high.

I won't brag about how fasting is good for you. My blog is not another pro-ana one. All I can say is that modern medicine downgrade the wisdom of old medical knowledge that has been collected and tested for many thousands years. Some doctors berate traditional medicine as outdated, unhealthy, and disgusting. Then look at what modern medical and industrial civilization lead Americans to. Yes, 67% obesity. All ancient traditions or religious practice recommend some forms of fasting. So you might want to listen to those who have something to say about it. And if you still think it's unhealthy, given all modern medical explanations you have heard, you can choose not to do it.

I feel like in the past few weeks, I have no confidence around food. I don't think I can resist temptation. And I am what I think -- I get out of control. Sure that mindset doesn't work. This time to pull this 42-hour fasting through I need a better mindset! I am setting forth my intention and believing I can do it. I can! I will keep this blog posted. In the back of my mind I will always think I have made a commitment to my blog so I have to stay strong.

A Letter from the Post-Overeating Me

Hi Me,

You might be considering eating something right now. I am glad you open this letter up and read it before you take any action. If you finish reading this letter and still decide that you are going to eat, I am okay with it. Just know that I love you so much, much more than anything in this world, even more than I do my parents and my boyfriend. You are the most important thing to me. And I am writing this letter not to chain you or discipline you, but to protect you. No matter how rough the world is, I will still support and care about you unconditionally. You feel the same way to me, don't you?

I am stuffed. It's a terrible horrible feeling you don't want to be in. I feel bloated and disgusted. There is nothing good coming out of overeating, you know. You don't enjoy the processes not do you enjoy the consequence. Now I am in the position where I can tell you that I suffer. Yes I suffer so badly that I want to cry, want to beat myself up. I feel so defeated and miserable. My stomach is protruding and I feel like my waist is several inch bigger. I suffer the feeling that 'I can never lose weight and I will be confined in this body I hate.' I don't know what I should say to anybody to expect me to be healthy and happy. I hate lying that I am fine and everything is okay. I hate refusing to attend social eating event because I have binged too much and feel guilty. You know what? All this misery happens after the first bite, the freaking first bite where everything rolls out of control.

And I have been here for years now. Yes, for years. And years are such a long time. If I can take all the time, energy, and mental resource I waste on this overeating habit, I probably can make millions or fly to the moon by now.

You might be thinking that you can just eat now and start new plan tomorrow. You know how this kind of thoughts do not work, right? If it works, you should have been free from this shit now that you have spent years battling it. This moment is the precious time to catch whatever you want, because you only have it once. If you don't start now, you can never really start living your life.

Could you do me a favor? Smile, close your eyes, and welcome craving sensation. Tell it you are okay living with it. Understand that it can be there without your reacting to it. This, too, shall pass.

You no longer need to second guess your decision not to eat. You do not discipline yourself; you are doing yourself a favor. Imagine that if you can get through this fifteen minutes you can get through today. You can get through tomorrow and you can be free from this trap. You have to start being responsible for your destiny right now. Yes, RIGHT NOW. No other moment is more perfect than this!

Finally, the decision is in your hands. You know how I genuinely wish you the best. I love you just like you love me. Let's get through this. We will find ourselves in a better place in no time.

Love You Wholeheartedly,
Me

Maybe I Don't Want to Quit Overeating

Yesterday I read an ebook about sugar addiction from First Ourselves. [Note To Self: read the whole blog. It's full of uplifting messages.] I place the book down with high motivation, telling myself "bye bye sugar."

The next day I start up the day fresh eating vegetable soup in the morning and broccoli saute for lunch. An hour after lunch, I feel intense and instant craving for cinnamon bun! I don't have cinnamon bun regularly, actually I have 'officially' had it only once.

I thought to myself the mantra I got from the ebook, "I'm stronger that cinnamon bun craving. I choose my life, not the cinnamon bun." I tell myself to hold on for another 15 minutes, if I still want it, I have a choice to go get it. No deprivation.

During that 15 minutes, it was pretty intense craving right there. I started thinking that "I actually don't want to quit sugar." I'm dreadful for the fact that I will never enjoy brownies and cookies again for the rest of my life." It's a heavy feeling.

15 minutes after, I felt funny throughout my body as if my blood was filled with sugar again. The craving disappeared. I become physically happy again, but mentally I have changed from my intention. I think maybe it's a little too extreme to cut out sugar completely from my life.

A few hours later, I went home to have my afternoon meal. I prepared chicken salad for this meal last night. I enjoy it. The first bowl, the second bowl, the third bowl have passed. I told myself that as long as I eat healthy stuff I will allow myself to eat as much as I want.

After 3 bowls of salad, I decided that a handful of cheddar pretzel won't hurt. Then another handful and another one are followed by a stack of cracker, a bowl of cereal and several handfuls of pretzel. I felt so bad for myself. "Here is another time that I fail," I must have thought that. I took a nap to escape from guilt. 2 hours later, I woke up, but napping did not make crappy feeling go away. I swallow another bowl of cereal, several handfuls of pretzel and 2 peanut butter cookies.

I can't stand it anymore.

I am disgusted and disappointed. I am not this person. I feel defeated. Why on earth can I manage to pull perfect grades, and other academic achievements, but surrender to this stupid overeating vicious cycle? Why can't I break free from it. It should be easy and fast. Something as simple as 'not eating.' Something all people in the world can do intuitively. Why the hell do I suffer from this?

I understand exactly the moment I get caught up in craving. I just want the food so much that nothing else matters. Sometimes I take a shortcut by just eating without thinking about it. I avoid the pain of hesitation by stuffing my mouth. I extend my procrastination period a little longer, but keeping food in my mouth. As long as it's meal time, my meal break can extend a little longer and a tiny bit longer. As long as I have food in my mouth...

I know this is negative. I know I am supposed to think positively, picturing myself in the state where I can break free from this shit. I know. But maybe it's time to give myself a wake-up call. This is not okay. This is beyond acting for pleasure. This is beyond moderation. I need to stop it consciously. Whether the approach is to hug myself through it or whip myself through it, I gotta do it.

I immediately open this blog right after the last bite of peanut butter cookie. I hope, by sharing my inner feeling to the world, I can overcome this battle. I will keep updating what I do each day, whether good news or bad news, I will not run away...