I am so done with binge eating.

When I look through my long history, I know that I actually improved. I used to binge every day or a few days a week. Now I binge only 2-3 times a month. But it's enough to stall my weight loss, since I don't have that much to lose.

I start to realize the pattern, once I become more mindful with what I think. I know that sometimes I am willing to slip through a binge because it is just so comforting. The idea of not having to strictly control yet another area in my life. The idea of being able to say f*** it and enjoy my Chinese takeout. That idea is very tempting.

I learn that as long as I think binging is okay and binging has a place in my life, I won't be able to recover. The fact that I always schedule a binge day (or a free day to be more polite) every time I went on a diet is the proof that I acknowledge that binging has a part in my life. Binging is necessary, because I cannot go on food restriction for that long or because a binge keeps me from going insane. In other words, in my term, binging is legal... all along.

So will there ever be a day when I'm truly free from binging? When I don't see any value in eating pass the point of fullness. I see that as long as binging has some positive implication attached to it in one way or another I will never be free. As long as binging represents freedom and relaxing attitude, I will still think it's okay to binge even though it's against my goal of losing weight.

So from now on, I think, binging is not okay for me. It's unacceptable. Like using drug or stabbing myself with a knife, it hurts me like that. It's not the matter of 'allowing yourself to go overboard sometimes.' The fact is no one should binge. It's a mild kind of suicide, hurting yourself physically and emotionally like that.

And by binging here I mean eating pass the point of comfort, stuffing your mouth even when you don't need food anymore. Though at the time it can be marginally pleasurable. But imagine the next hour or the next day when bloated feeling kick in, it's like hurting yourself with poison really.

I want to try to feel comfortable at the calorie limit I set to myself. Like my boyfriend, who is okay with mild hunger and even allow it to happen on the regular basis. Why do people keep saying, when they give weight loss advice, that  you don't need to be hungry to lose weight and so on? The fact is if you don't let yourself get hungry and try to feel comfortable with it, you will never be able to lose weight and keep it off. Because you don't take time for your body and your mind to adjust to the new setpoint, you feed the hormone cycle which keep you at the weight you don't want to be.

Okay, enough rant for today. I got a lot of deep ideas lately. I will try to put it down here before it's gone. Yesterday, I sent 3 emails to myself. One for today, one for tomorrow, and one for the next day. The purpose is to remind myself of what I am thinking at the moment I am motivated. So when the stree set in, I won't just forget everything and grab something to binge again. I want this blog to be the same. Something I can read when I want to binge and it talks me out of self-destructive behavior. This way I, in the past, can be there for me in the future.

Thank you!

Sorry, it takes me a while to compile comments and digest it. Among other things, I am under tremendous stress right now to finish assignments and everything. So I sort of ignore the problems at the moment.

I want to make this post about you. All of you who come and sacrifice a portion of your time helping me. Thank you so much. And, reading your comments back and forth, there were tears in my eyes. I can't say thank you enough. thank you and thank you!

There are a lot of good ideas that make me look back at my history and want to do something right for my body and soul. I can't help thinking that maybe it's the stress I have to tolerate at this point in my life that makes me cry out and scream about something that is not at all a big deal. I mean during the summer when I work 8 hours like a normal human being I lost 10 lbs over 2-3 months and feel very happy. I have time to meditate everyday and I act more rationally than this. Right now I made my life all about work, from opening my eyes in the morning to going to bed at night. No plan would work if my usage of time is messed up in the first place. I could imagine that in 2 weeks or so, once the semester is over, I will be the sane me again. Then the fats have to watch out cuz I will be burning it like nobody's business.

In the future, I will have to think about what's the source of happiness in my life. Is being the busiest girl in the world the ultimate goal of my life? Absolutely not. I have to find balance in my life first and for sure balance in food consumption should not be too hard to pursue.

In terms of what to do dietwise, I thought I have a clue but I don't. So I now choose to let go of control in that area, at least for another 2 weeks. I won't weigh myself and put myself into yet another diet. Hopefully my body and mind would see no points in rebelling since there is no control to fight with. And I will start working on my mentality, turning down the negative voice and turning up the positive voice. Love myself and be there for myself whether it's fat or skinny day.

And again thank you!
Thank you Etana! you are such a wise woman. I have checked BFL pages and read your log. It opens my eyes in a lot of ways. I was just in the wrong focus and I have to find the middle space between perfect and failure. I will pop in for a chat at your house in JP sometimes. I will let you know how I am doing. After all, we are Metarepair alumni!

Thank you Sinead! You have a motherly spirit. You have been here in my blog for a while with encouragement and kind words. I appreciate everything you have done both for me and for other people over at Leigh's website. I like reading your comments. They make my heart warm and glowing. I hope the blessing you give out go back to you and help you stay happy the way you are! ((HUGSS))

Thank you Mandy! Thank you for offering help in personal level. Your comment reminds me that I have life after this. I will be in my 30s one day looking back to my life today. And I want to feel no regrets. I know I will win this battle eventually. I have to first get through this setback.

Thank you Cynthia! Your comment makes me look back to all the positive things that have happened in my life and things that I have done right. My situation with food used to be worse. I now know a lot more about nutrition and about myself. I should give myself some credits for that. You are such an in spiration for the work you have invested for your health.I don't know I can push it through like that if I were you.

And thank my friends at Peertrainer who offer helps and encouragement all along, although they didn't post it here. I love all of you and I'm glad we found each other!

The day I look back at my life and ask for help.

I have been struggling with weight issue for a few years now. And I want, so badly, to take control of it. So I go online, do research, and tried several things. I used to get professional help, but I haven't found a good one and I don't have money to find a good one. So I sort of self-help along the way. Now I am tired to thinking, being obsessed about it alone, cuz it never help. There might be something I haven't thought of, and people who look at it from the outside might see something I don't. So I decide to post everything up and ask for help.

Okay, here I will explain what happened. This is not only what happened in these few months but what happened for a few YEARS. Yes, I have been in this trap for a few years now. And once I began logging and journaling about my problems more regularly, I am ready to make summary and make the next conscious move. Something inspires me to write this log and invite people, who don't know me in real life, but are willing to listen, to come here, and to help. Yes I ask for help. When was the last time I dared asking for help??

Here's my diet history in this past months as journaled in this "Battle Overeating" blog and other logs. Just to give you an idea of what happened in a small time frame.

Sep 1 - Read sugar addict ebook and decided to give up sugar. The plan is intact for around 15 hours then I binged on all kind of sugary stuff.
Sep 1 - After overeating, wrote a letter to myself, BEGGED myself not to do it again.
Sep 2 - Started 42-hour fast hoping to stabilize blood sugar. Which is intact for another 20 hours or so and I decided to break it and binge.
Sep 13 - Reading stuff here and there, trying to search for a new solution, yet again.
Set 14 - Got encouraged somehow and started dieting again.
Sep 28 - Got lost again, I guess. So I set up two rules, sey no to junk food and don't eat when I'm not hungry.
Sep 29 - Boldly annouced I will never go on diet again.

Oct 14 - (122.5lbs) Start eating-clean challenge Day 1 where I eat only vegetables and lean meat. No processed food and refined carb.
Oct 19 - Stop eating-clearn challenge to start One Big Meal challenge with Leigh Peele's website.
Oct 25 - (119.5lbs) After one-week of compliance, lost 3 lbs in a week.
Oct 26 - went on another binge.

Nov 1 - Jump on the wagon again with the same weight (122.5)
Nov 3 - Realized that I have problem with accountability. Can't keep myself to follow through the plan till the end so, with super high motivation, join peer trainer and form a 100% accountability group to work on it.
Nov 10 - Start 7-day raw-food diet plan beginning with 24-hour fast and eat only raw food for a week.
Nov 15 - (119 lbs) After 2 weeks of accoutability and 4 weeks of one-big meal challenge lost 3.5 lbs.
Nov 16 - Finish raw food diet.
Nov 17 - BINGE. Big time and gained all the weight back yet again!!
Nov 18 - Go on a 24-hour fast which was broken 20 hours after that.

The same cycle happened for almost 2 years now. My highest weight is 125 and my lowest weight, during this struggle is 116lbs. My lowest weight in adult life is 102lbs (where I basically eat 500 cals a day for two months. But that is prior to this vicious cycle.) I believe my metabolism is normal, but I am not quite sure. So other than what I have written here, I have tried southbeach, atkins, Beck diet solution, Lyle's rapid fat loss, intermittent fasting, eating disorder self-help psychotherapy, other psychotherapy techniques, Leigh's metabolic repair and metaburn, the secret, meditation, EFT, not including all kinds of diets I came up with myself and some no-name diets I found on the internet. For exercise, I did all kinds of stuff, weight lifting, 2-hour a day cardio, HIIT, or just increasing my NEAT without formal exercise, yoga, collanetics, pilates. I also bought a whole lots of supplements from cleansing products to herbs to fat-burning pills to appetite suppressant or just plain vitamins and mineral. I just don't know anymore. Everything works but after I achieved the result I would binge and gain back all the weight.

I also tried giving up the goal of losing weight (just be satisfied with your 26' waist for god's sake!) Or just think that I have no problem whatsoever. That plan was not intact either. After a while when I see hollywood celebrities, I will start believing again that I, too, can have that kind of body.

And everything fell into this cycle. I started, I stopped, I was back to my misery. I still don't get the body I want.

I am not a low-willpower person, I know that. Otherwise I would have given up after failling over and over and over. Often time I can stay in the plan perfectly and I can tolerate some level of hardship. And in other areas of life I am not stuck in a vicious loop like this. I am in IVY league school, I have high GPA, and I am successful in life. I have terrific relationship with my family and boyfriend. Why do I keep failing in this stupid weight issue???

I'm narrowing down to a few things.
1. Psychology. I have no social life, because I refused to eat in front of people and I have body image issue. I always hide myself in a big sweater. I'm stressed and depressed about my weight problem and how I fail in social life. I am constantly worried about the future and scared about how I am going to make a living, have a family, and have kids. I am stressed with my college life and responsibilities. I might have addiction - food addiction or sugar addiction. I'm just mentally ill. Or there might be some deeper issue I don't know.

2. I have subtle health issue, like blood sugar imbalance, hormone imbalance. My family has some diabetes trait. I used to have problem with menstrual period (from not eating properly.) I am constipated most of the time in my life. I have digestive issue. I think I have parasite from my skin irritation problems. I'm tired most of the time. I have intense craving.

3. I'm not in a winning mindset. I just haven't tried enough. I'm used to failing and don't believe I can win. I am perfectionist. I'm a loser who thought she is a perfectionist. I am searching too much and not practicing them. I am procrastinator.

I know after reading this, you see -- My life is pathetic -- So please help. Give me your thoughts. What should I do? What's wrong with me? I just want to listen. I don't want to waste my young life anymore. And if I don't come out and be completely clear about it, I will be wasting one year after another and end up wasting my whole life. I want to stop it now. I really do.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 16

Today's post is just a rant. I am so stressful. I really really am. I crave junk food. I DO CRAVE junk food. I know that I should think positive (maybe luring myself that I don't crave it.) But I do. Very intensely.

Yesterday night was extremely hard. My good friend whom I haven't seen for almost a year come visit and I was called out to join him at a korean restuarant, my favorite one. It's 8pm and I have reached my calorie limit for the day. So I was forced to watch everybody eat and could only drink water! Then they 'continued' on to a pizzaria and chicken wings. Actually they stopped by at a premium chocolate cake place before but, luckily for me, it was too crowded. I was forced to see and smell all kinds of pizza and I wanted it! Anyway, I survived that trip without eating anything. However, when I came home, being in 35% calorie deficit and having to stay up late to work, I was brutally hungry. I tolerate until around 1am and I went insane. I craved and craved like I cannot help myself. A cup of hot cocoa couldn't hold me satisfied. I finally give in to a bowl of salad,some turkey, and egg at 2pm. I gain .2 kg when I woke up this morning.

And right now I am sitting hungry. I CRAVE junk food. My stomach is literally crying out loud. How I wish I could have a bowl of ice cream with cookie dough topping and some peanut better M&Ms! I told myself yesterday that every time I crave something I can just write it out of my chest. And this is what I am doing. It's a daily struggle and, like every other day, I ask "will I ever be free from this vicious cycle?" I hope I will. I really do.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 15

Same challenge. New approach!

I admit that I almost quit this challenge because the overwhelming stress from many directions. And I also admit that I binged, badly. In a way, my problem is different from other dieters. I do not worry about excess weight or health. It's a pure mental struggle of the remains of eating disorder that is still in my mind. My ultimate goal is to stop worrying about food. And to engage in a strict diet program is not a typical way to reach that goal.

After all, I must not lose the insight. I cannot lose control of my eating habit. I cannot live that way, strolling from one binge to the next. It's much worse than what I feel the first week while staying in calorie deficit. I was literally sick after the binge. My body revolted against such an unhealthy habit. Eventually I have to do what's right to my body. And my mind will hopefully realize that there's nothing attractive about binging and stop craving for one.

Wow, I'm a big girl now (at least bigger.) I usually just run away when I break the challenge. I hope next time I will come and confess, fearlessly asking for support right after one small binge and put a stop to it. That's what a real big girl does, right?

This post is getting long. Let's see my update.
Morning weight 55.6 kg (122.5lbs.) Back to where I started! Damn! At the back of my mind I am really happy because it can be much much worse, considering what I have binged.
A picture of my big meal last week.

Super Coleslaw. Although it looks messy, it tastes terrific. I still think about it now. The yummiest big meal ever!

I actually made some high-protein cheesecake too, from cottage cheese, whey protein, jello, and strawberries. But it ended up terrible. And I have to throw it away. That's the first day my big meal challenge shattered. I went to school on that day without my big meal and without any plan B and ended up buying food again. That's actually where the snow ball started rolling.

However, to those who are better at cooking, this cheesecake can totally work. You can grab the recipe here.

One of the big problems last week was the fact that I simply do not have time for cooking and cleaning. The whole process takes me 1-1.30 hours each day and requires me to come back home (instead of staying at the library or in the lab like I always do.) My house is pretty far away from campus so I usually just stay at home and try to study. That doesn't work well at all. I know I am significantly less productive. Another thing is that I am applying to grad school in a month and it means the world to me. I need more time to clear up all assignments and work on my applications. I simply need more time even though it's an hour a day. It actually helps tremendously in my super busy life.

So yesterday I come up with a way to stay in the challenge and waste no time -- COOKING SUPER BIG MEALS. I cooked 5-day worth of food, stored each meal in a handy ziploc box, and freeze them. They I labeled what meal it's for. For example, I wrote down Mon2 for the second meal of Monday. This way I have my healthy and cheap grab and go station for the next five days!

And I will update this blog less often since it takes some time to do as well. I know if I save minutes here and there, like saving money, I will end up with much more time to do what's really important for me.

So I will come back again next week with awesome progress. Good luck to you all!

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 9

Morning Weight: 54.2kg (119lbs)

Easing up on the diet a little bit today because the deficit has been killing in these last few days. I heard the binging beast knocking on my door, so I guess I'd better refuel myself before I completely lose control and stuff all those bad food down my throat.

But I manage to make a big meal which I eat with other small meals and stay within maintenance. I give myself credits for that.

Back to the plan tomorrow!

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 8

Morning Weight: 54.2kg (119.5 lbs)
Measurement:
Waist 25.5 (0)
Hip 35.5 (-0.5)
Thigh 19.5 (-1)
Calf 12 3/4 (-1/4)
Arm 9.5 (0)
Total Inch Loss:  1.75"

I can't say how incredibly delighted I am when I see that my thighs and hip, my problem areas, are the first things to go. They are usually stubborn. In the past I eat low-calorie junk to diet down. I learned what many trainers said that eating clean makes the body drop the fat at the right place. I mean once sugar, refined carb, processed food go out the door, the junk in the the trunk also goes.

You know what inspired me to eat this way? When I was in Thailand I got most of my food from the market where it's all fresh, non-processed, or locally processed. No plastic, package, artificial flavor, additives, preservatives, and other chemical. I found it incredibly easy to lose fat when I was at Thailand. But here in the US with all these processed junk + corn syrup I eat every single day, I can drop some pounds but I'm so addicted to junk that I can't maintain the weight loss. They do research on genes, body mechanism, and others, trying to understand why obesity is an epidemic here. What they don't understand is that when they rip all the nutrients from the food they eat, leaving empty calories, the body will sure react horribly.

Menu: Carrots/Hummus Apple and Grilled chicken. Simple and delicious.

Nutrition:

Water: Still 4 bottles but I will try harder!

Big Meal Challenge - Week 1 Check-in

Morning Weight: 54.4 kg. (119.5)!! [down from 122.5]
Total Weight Loss Week 1: 2.5 lbs
Alright!! I eventually go sub 20s. And I'm half way done to my 5 lbs goal -- in 5 days!!??!!

Average Calorie (5 days): 1050 cal
Average Macro (5 days): Protein 110g (right on!) Carb 93g Fat 23g

Pictures:

I really like it. Look at my thighs! They are smaller compared to last week. What I want to get rid of is the love handle. They are bothering me! Any suggestion?

Some of my meals this week:

  

You can tell how much I love Broccoli!

What I Love about this Challenge: I didn't expect to lose 3 lbs in 5 days! I set 5 lbs for the whole 30 days. And I didn't set any formal exercise. However, I am very active during the day, carrying my laptop and tons of books up and down the hill and walking everywhere on campus. Maybe I should increase the calories a little bit? What do you think?

It is easy. Almost effortless. I don't have to think about food at all. If it's my big meal, I eat. If it's not, I say no. How can it be simpler than that? Most importantly, eating this way is cheap. I spent $5-8 for one big meal.

What I Hate about this Challenge: Clean up. Cooking big meal is a mess. I was used to buying food from the cafe's/restaurants or eat processed packaged food. So cleaning up is a new challenge all by itself. Another thing is I'm not (yet) a good cook. Some days my big meal tastes (and looks) horrible, but I manage to add or twist to make it tolerable.

Goal for next week: More water. It's getting cold so it's hard. I have to remind myself to drink even when I don't feel like.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 7

Morning Weight: 54.6 (Chicken Dance!) (120lbs) -> Why do I lost .8kg overnight? I don't even know. I guess it's because TOM has gone or just swing water weight. I'm happy regardless.

Menu: Soup! Inspired by Leigh's recipe. But I have no time at all pulling all-nighter to finish stuff. So I pour a low-sodium campbell soup, a bag of veggies, some muchrooms, and ground turkey. I'm good for another day! Thank god.

Nutrition:

Item Name	Qty	Serving	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Fibre	Protein
Frozen veggies	1	bag	250	55	0	10	10
Turkey	8	oz	320	0	16	0	44
Mushrooms	1	can	14.56	2.11	0.3	1.14	1.74
Soups	1	can	160	30	2	4	6
Fish Oil	4	cap	40		4
Multi-Vitamin	1	cap	5	1
Chicken	8	oz	249.48	0	2.8	0	52.37
Total			1039	88.11	25	15.14	114.11

Water 4 bottles
Feel hungry craving sometimes. I start to eat a lot earlier in the day. I think the change is obvious. When there's the deficit I can feel it. When I did crash diets in the past it happens much faster though. Like I can't stick to my diet more than a few days. Binge will burst. Now it happens gradually and I can feel the change.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 6

Morning Weight: 55.2 Yippy! (121.5lbs)

Menu: HUGE tuna salad with light sesame giner dressing

Got some picture today.

Nutrition

Item Name	Qty	Serving	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Fibre	Protein
Dole Salads	1	bag	60	12	0	4	4
Tuna	1	can	147.9	0	1.1	0	32.53
Albacore	1	package	140	0	1	0	28
Three Bean Salad	0.5	can	148.93	33.5	0	5.58	5.58
Eggs	2	medium	129.36	0.68	8.8	0	11.07
Chicken: Breast	3	oz	93.56	0	1.1	0	19.64
Fish Oil	4	cap	40		4
Multi-Vitamin	1	cap	5	1
Broccoli	1	lb	136.45	21.8	0	10.9	5.46
Newman's Own Sesame Ginger	4	serving	140	20	6	0	0
Total			1041.2	89	22	20.5	106.28

Water 4 bottles
Thought: Start feeling the deficit more and more. I am hungry sometimes especially when I stay up late at night. The challenge gives me no option but fat loss!

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 5

Ahh, I skipped to day 5 to catch up with other people in Leigh's 30-day One Big Meal Challenge but it's my day 8 for the old eating-clean challenge. Whatever. My day count is so messed up and it's not important. I will make this habit stick forever eventually. It's the rest of my life, no matter what day this is.

Morning Weight: 55.4 kg. (122lbs) Down one lb from yesterday. Thank god!

Big Meal: A cluster of whatever left in the fridge and 3 apples. Chicken, turkey cabbage, carrots, egg, FF cheese and so on. Seasoned with pepper, ketchup, and paprika. No salt.

Nutrition

 

Item Name	Qty	Serving	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Fibre	Protein
Apples	3	small	165.36	43.9	0.5	7.63	0.83
Turkey Ground	4	oz	162	0	8.1	0	22.28
Chicken: Breast	6	oz	280.67	0	6.1	0	52.77
Eggs	1	large	73.5	0.38	5	0	6.29
Cheddar, Fat-Free	3	slice	93.24	8.44	0.5	0	14.18
Cabbage	6	oz	40.82	9.49	0.2	3.91	2.45
Carrots	1	lb	189.17	37.8	0	10.8	0
Fish Oil	2	cap	20		2
Multi-Vitamin	1	cap	5	1
Ketchup	4	tbsp	60	16	0	0	0
Total			1089.76	117	22	22.4	98.8

Water: 4 bottles [Water is difficult. It's so cold here :(.]

Note to self: Don't forget to take fish oil at lunch and dinner!

Thoughts: I was wondering why deficit didn't bother me at all. I am not hungry or craving things. Today I eat more calorie-dense food (ketchup, cheese, apples) instead of high-volume food (broccoli, lettuce, other greens.) I feel hungrier than the other days. So, back to broccoli and salad tomorrow!

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 2

Morning Weight 56kg (123lbs)

Menu: Grilled Flounder with Veggie Sauce (or stew..whatever.) I tried to make a healthy version of my mom's all-time-favorite Fried Fish with Chilli Sauce. It doesn't turn out as I thought. Tastes horrible but edible lol. This is a commitment of Big-Meal Challenge. Eat your meal all day even when you cooking skill sucks.

 

Item Name	Qty	Serving	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Fibre	Protein
Egg	2	large	147	0.77	9.94	0	12.58
Flounder	16	oz	412.78	0	5.4	0	85.46
Tomatoes	1	can	81.55	19.57	0	6.52	3.26
Spinach	4.5	serving, 1/2 cup	135	18	0	9	9
Fish Oil	1	cap	40.59	0	4.5	0	0
Frozen Vegetable Stir-Fry	1	package (1 lb)	142.19	23.7	0	9.48	4.74
Vitamin	0.3	cap	5	1	0.13
Tomato Ketchup	2	tbsp	30	8	0	0	0
Apple	1	small	55.12	14.64	0.18	2.54	0.28
Total			1049.23	85.68	20.2	27.5	115.32

Water 4 bottles

Thoughts/Note to self: 1100 calories is a LOT of food if I eat the right thing. I eat 4 meals and feel completely full every meal. Sometimes I'm even a bit guilty that I eat even when I am not that hungry. Eating clean rocks. Yo!

Other: After weighing in the morning I eliminate waste by cleansing with lemon, salt, and water. And I'm down .6 kg (more than 1 lb.) On day 3 I will reduce sodium in the diet and increase water intake to flush the excess salt from cleansing.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 1

Big Meal

Chicken broccoli with green beans. I added some fish souce, soy souce, garlic powder, pepper, and some other fat-free sauces. I leave 60 cal for them. I also leave some rooms for my afternoon hot chocolate-coffee combo. Love it! I can't believe I can eat 3 lbs of food without going over the calorie!

Measurement Waist 25.5" Hip 36" Thigh 20.5" Arm 9.5" Calf 13"
Nutrition

Item Name	Qty	Unit	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Fibre	Protein
Turkey	8	oz	324	0	16.2		44.55
Broccoli	32	oz	273.25	43.72	0	21.9	21.86
Fish Oil	6	caps	60.89	0	6.75	0	0
Chicken	6	oz	187.11	0	2.11	0	39.28
Cocoa	1	tbsp	12.37	2.93	0.74	1.79	1.06
Coffee	3	tsp	18.95	4.01	0.01	0.03	0.5
Vitamin	1	caps	5	1	0.13
Green Beans	1	lb	116.15	23.23	0	11.6	5.81
Cabbage	6	oz	40.82	9.49	0.2	3.91	2.45
Total			1038.54	84.38	26.1	39.2	115.51

6 bottles of water.

Note: After eating clean for 6 days, I feel healthier and thinner already. But my weight is still up. I know it's the waste built up from tons of fiber without enough water. I will have to deal with it within a few days.

30-day One Big Meal Challenge - Day 0

My profile
Name: Warasa
Age: 23
Occupation: Very busy college student.
Ethnicity: Asian! I'm from Thailand :). That means you have to bear with my English (and watch out for my oriental big meal!)
Stat:
Weight 55.6 kg (122 lbs) (PMS Bloating)
Height 163 cm (5'4'')
30-day goal weight: 5lbs
Ultimate Goal Weight: 110lbs

On to my low-quality picture with a little PMS Bloating. Sorry my camera broke. I have to use webcam instead. Man, it's not easy!

My Version of the Challenge
Calorie 1100 (this is quite low for me. My maintenance is 1600 cal since I don't have exercise plan set in at this point yet.)
Macro Protein 110g: Fat 27.5g: 103 carb
1. Prepare one big meal every night.
2. 6 fish oil, 1 vitamin every morning.
3. Water start with 4 bottles a day. (20 floz each.) I will eventually end up with 6 bottles.
4. Update goal completion daily. Update picture and weight every Saturday.

I haven't figured out what I am going to do with the exercise. I just don't want to change my whole routine dramatically overnight because that's the recipe of failure, at least for me in the past. The deficit I have to bear here is pretty tough already.

 And...

My first big meal was prepared tonight! - Chicken Broccoli with Green beans! (This is just HALF of it. I don't have a big pan.)

 











More details in Day 1 update!

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 5

Tomorrow I will switch to 30-day Big Meal challenge. I think joining a support group will smooth my journey.

Today - Severe bloating because of PMS. I finally have my period today after suffering the PMS symptom for more than a week! This is very unusual. I think part of uncomfortable feeling comes from changing my diet. And it's good thing. My digestion and bowel movement seem to improve tremendously and I get used to eating clean now.

I'm so excited to start the challenge tomorrow!

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 4

Good News: I'm getting used to this lifestyle and it can totally be something I do for the rest of my life. Tons of clean food!

Bad News: My bloating and digestive system in general is crazy. Maybe too much veggies and fiber or just a detox symptom. I have to give my body a chance to adjust and recover.

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Challenge for day 5 - Learn to tolerate mild hunger. I don't have to have super willpower. Just stay calm when the cravings or hunger is not too strong. Wait for a little bit before having a bite.

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 3

Start getting used to it. I don't want to go back even though sometimes there is a flash of thoughts in my mind of eating muffin and cookies again but I don't really care even when they are laying in front of my face. I couldn't care less.

One thing that is not so good is that I eat so much. I really eat a lot. Like every time I crave sugar I pop something in my mouth. I eat small things but eat frequently. I eat when I feel like but I don't wait until I am very hungry. I think that habit will come a little bit later in the challenge. I just have to familiarize myself with new set of food that I adopt. Also I still eat fruits since it relieves my sweet tooth so well. Maybe I should buy bulk fruits because buying them individually (with the fear of overeating them) is very expensive. I'm learning it.

Another challenge that I am trying to manage is to keep things clean. Especially to wash the dishes often and don't let them pile up too much. I have been doing that since the first day of the challenge and it's going very well.

Sometimes I have a flash of thought about fasting too. I'm not doing it. I'm not changing the plan until 30 days are over. I can make it better but I won't collapse this plan and go for the new one, I won't.

The next 7 days or so I will have new challenge -- not reading, listening anything about weight loss. I think this is a very good one.

When 7 days (25% of the challenge) are up, I will add another diet challenge. I think I will do limited eating time. Like 8am-8pm only - try not to eat after 8pm. It will be interesting.

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I notice a small moment of motivation decline. I am sure this happens, especially when I am hungry. Suddenly the idea of doing 'balance' diet (means give me some bad stuff) sounds very tempting and going back to old habit wasn't so bad. I don't give in no matter what happen, for real. I will do whatever I have decided. This is the first step of everything, accountability! I have to be able to pay respect to myself, maintain my integrity. I will do it. For the next few days, I know it won't be too hard because I will eat whenever that thought comes up. When I'm full, my diet mentality is intact.

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Tomorrow (Saturday) I will do an experiment

1. Reduce sodium!
Hope it gets rid of this bloated feeling.

2. Eat 5 small meals at most. Mostly veggie and egg soup + some fruits? (8a,11a,1p,4p,7p)

3. Drink tons of water. Or even coffee.

Salad does not work as good as soup, I discover. Well, maybe raw foodism is always harder any day.

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Mental note
Anti-estogenic veggies - asparagus ,collards,mustard greens(bok choi),chard,and broccoli rabe, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, cabbage

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 2

Still going strong?

I notice a slight drop of motivation. I read a lot about raw food diet these few days and feel like it is a good diet that I want to try sometimes. The fact that I am very early in my own challenge is making me feel slow and sluggish. I have to just take it one day at a time.

And there're a lot of work too. Sigh...

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Today is a little tough. I overate Rostissie chicken a little bit and also too much hummus and carrots. Not way way too much but I shouldn't eat every hour especially if the meat is not so lean.

I feel the need to lower calories otherwise the weight will not come off. I'd better write another email to myself, encouraging myself a little bit.

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1. I crave for SWEETS!! How did I get pass it? I eat carrots. I whine like a baby, make a joke, dance, just interrupt the pattern.
2. I'm about to have my 4th bowel movements.
3. I think about changing plan. Do fasting! Do very low calorie! I'm not giving in. I will train my body to know what's right for it. I might not be thin by Thanksgiving, but I will be thin forever.

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 1

I keep thinking about the benefit of this diet I'm going to adopt and I feel so great. Today I feel lethargic upon waking, feeling like I have no energy whatsoever to carry on my life. I mean, really? No energy? I freaking eat almost the whole fridge yesterday. Why am I still tired?

So this new diet will sure get rid of that problem. There is no question in my mind that I am going to do that. This is escaping the misery, something organisms are driven to do.

After every meal, I can feel the fat is slowly dropping off of my rear. It's amazing.

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The most joyful Okeshield experience ever!
I'm full. I'm vibrant. Wow. Today I have 1.5 plate of salad, a cup of coffee with soymilk, and 2 pieced of lean pork loin. Tons of artichoke hearts, some chick pea, hummus, tuna, sprinkle with balsamic vinegar. What a joyful way to eat really. Why don't I eat like this long time ago? The best part is that when I come out of the dining hall, I still feel like a human. I don't feel tired and go straight to sleep as when I stuff myself with sugar-rich dessert. I actually have no desire whatsoever to stand in the line for chinese food and grab a piece of brownie. I look at how other people eat and I feel like I am more intelligent and special to choose this diet. I'm going for a long-term behavior change here, for real. This is a good reinforcement.

And it's cheap compared to having statler salad or incessant snacking throughout the day. This way I can eat until I'm full and stop thinking about food. I can grab a lot of fruits which will be my dinner. All of these are covered in 7 bucks. Can you imagine that? Wow, it's great!

Okay. Keep doing what I am doing. It is a joyful transition.
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I was okay until almost 4pm. I started getting hungry again. So I ate a banana. I don't think fruits work well for me. Because after banana I reach out for apple and another banana and another apple. After taking them all down I still feel like eating something. I gotta be careful about sugar now and maybe stop eating fruits. The thing is fruits are very convenient to take out from dining hall. If I don't take out fruits I feel like I'm wasting money (even though the whole meal + coffee + unlimited salad are already pretty cheap.) I wish I could just take a plastic box with me and get all the veggies out lol.

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Day 1 Summary
8am Tom Yum veggie soup (small)
11am Okenshield 1.5 plate salad, 2 pieces roasted pork loin
3-5pm 2 bananas 2 apples
8pm Rotissie chicken + soymilk

Congratulations! You do it perfectly today!

30-day Eating Clean Challenge Day 0

Yeah! I'm so excited to start this 30-day eating clean challenge. I will post a short blog everyday to keep myself accountable for this challenge but seriously I want to make it a life-long habit rather than a short-period thing. So I won't make it too fancy.

Basically I will eat clean for 30 days. My diet consists of lean meats, vegetable, and occasionally fruits. I will get rid of processed food, sugar, and refined carb. Do it for just 30 days. I need that 30 days mindset to keep myself motivated, but I'm sure after a while it will become my eating habit. Let's get started!

No More Diet! Yeah!

I will no longer be on diet. I will never diet again. No fasting, no plan, no low carb, no calorie counting, diet journal whatsoever. I AM DONE.

Living healthy forever is my goal!

I wait until I'm hungry, definitely hungry, like my stomach is crying.

Other time I will turn my face away from food, concentrate on the right thing.

When the urge to eat come up, I ignore it.

When it's time to eat, I eat healthy stuff. I choose low calorie option with maximize satisfaction. I stick to less calorie-dense food.

I stay away from junk food, the best I can. If I really want junk food, I will eat little portion, get satisfied with it as much as possible.

I eat until I feel no longer hungry, then I stop.

I put my mind out of food until my stomach is crying again.

I try to be more active, the best I can.

No more diet, no more. Isn't it a good news?

I will try to update this blog every day to track my progress.

Note to self: For motivation in the future read http://www.craigharper.com.au/2007/01/psychology-of-weight-loss.html and all Craig Harper's posts.

I will win this battle eventually

Today I intend to follow intuitive eating principle. I cannot imagine how I am going to withdraw myself from food addiction. It seems impossible that I will forget about food completely and live my life without the shadow of it. But I know I'm walking towards that direction. Slowly and surely. What I have to concentrate is to keep walking on this track without being distracted by the desire to be thin, to go on yet another diet. I know it does not work and will never work.

Another important thing is to pay attention. Just pay attention even though I still cannot control the urge to overeat and the strong impulse to satisfy it. I only have to pay attention and keep track of it. I will finally understand it if I listen. I can be confident about that even though I have no idea about other things else.


I crave pretzel today after talking to my boyfriend and feel like maybe he's not happy with how I end the conversation. (I excuse myself because I feel like I have so much work to do.) I thought I am not quite an emotional eater. I actually am. I just have to listen.

My Limiting Beliefs

Gradually get rid of my limiting beliefs using three minute therapy. I think these two are really big.

To read more about three minute therapy check this post.

My First Limiting Belief - I can get it done quickly (later)
A. There is so much work to do. I have so much weight to lose. I must do it now.
B. I can lose this weight in a day or two. I can finish all the work in an hour or two. I can build social network easily and quickly. I can come up with brilliant business plan fast and easy. Everything can be done in short period of time.
C. So I will do everything later. I can just overeat and procrastinate now and do everything quickly later. It's going to be okay.
D. If I cannot do it quickly now, how the hell am I able to do it quickly later? And if people have to spend a lot of time doing these things, why can I enjoy the privilege of doing it quickly? I am not a superhero nor am I even a quick person. If I spend more time on a particular thing, I usually can do it better.
E. Many things require time and patience. If I can get it done quickly, great, I will do it. But if it requires time to stabilize and become habit, I will handle it with patience, one by one. I won't rush it and won't avoid it.

My Limiting Belief #2 - I should be guilty of being present
A. I went to a party or some kind of social gathering. The room is sometimes covered with silence. I feel the need to speak as much as possible or walk away or do something that will get rid of the awkwardness. Sometimes there's a slightest sign of rejection, boredom, or any negative energy. For example, people start talking about boring subject as if they have nothing to talk about.
B. My presence make people uncomfortable. I am boring. I cannot make them happy. I worthless and have nothing interesting to talk about. I make it boring. I am the cause of that silence.
C. I don't go to party. I don't socialize. I am sick. I have so much work. I don't like these people. I eat meal before mealtime so that I can say to people that I have already eaten and cannot go eat with them. I reject people before they reject me. I hide myself from people I know.
D. How the hell must it be me? In any social situation it takes two people in the conversation to be quiet for silence to arise. Why do I give that credit to myself and let my conversation partner slip from it? Where is it written as a rule that I must not be annoying? I am annoyed by people from time to time. My friend who is the most sociable person I have ever known is extremely annoying. As a human being, I have flaws and they might irritate people sometimes. I can never meet everybody's expectation. I have to let them learn about my flaws and accept it, just as I want to accept their flaws.
E. As a human being, I am always loved and welcomed. Actually people love me and welcome me, otherwise they won't invite me to join them in the first place. They want to talk and get in touch with me, no matter how I am. I know that because I want the same thing too!

Three Minute Therapy - Battle Overeating in 3 Minutes

This book is based on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT.) To read more about this type of therapy, click here.

To read the chapter associated with overeating, click here.

YouTube Video 1

I applaud her bravery in exposing and sharing her experiences. When I watched it, I gained courage to battle my own problem. I hope it has the same impact on you.

12 hours Into the Fast

Here I am, safe and sane, 12 hours into the fast. I started at 6pm yesterday. There's hunger, of course, which I expect to be more and more intense as time goes by. Fast for 12 hours and fast for 42 hours are completely different stories, but I am glad I made it through 25% without throwing the whole plan out of the window.

The real purpose of writing this blog is to encourage myself and to attach a short note on this fasting experiment before I forget it. I just realize that I haven't experienced real hunger for a week or two now. I eat because of craving from blood sugar roller coaster. Now that I start fasting since I went to bed yesterday evening and try not to eat anything but water when I wake up to study at night, I experience real hunger again! Real hunger is very easy to tolerate, seriously. Unlike fake hunger because of blood sugar fluctuation, real hunger gives me calmness. My head does not run around thinking about high-carb food all the time. I think that if I can maintain this state forever, I will have no issue with food again. I can be like everybody else who forgets about food after finishing a meal and start thinking about food again when the stomach is moaning. That's a fresh idea of the day! I have to note it down here.

Stabilize Blood Sugar with 42-hour Fast

Too much junk again today, but I am not ranting. I will be kind to myself about it. I think my blood sugar is a roller coaster. No matter what I eat for breakfast, it backfires for the rest of the day. I tried eating complex carb mixed with refined carbs and protein or even boiled veggies mixed with protein, but I still feel ups and downs, unbearable craving and such. It's intense...to the point where I think that I should just eat nothing so my blood sugar never rise up too high.

I won't brag about how fasting is good for you. My blog is not another pro-ana one. All I can say is that modern medicine downgrade the wisdom of old medical knowledge that has been collected and tested for many thousands years. Some doctors berate traditional medicine as outdated, unhealthy, and disgusting. Then look at what modern medical and industrial civilization lead Americans to. Yes, 67% obesity. All ancient traditions or religious practice recommend some forms of fasting. So you might want to listen to those who have something to say about it. And if you still think it's unhealthy, given all modern medical explanations you have heard, you can choose not to do it.

I feel like in the past few weeks, I have no confidence around food. I don't think I can resist temptation. And I am what I think -- I get out of control. Sure that mindset doesn't work. This time to pull this 42-hour fasting through I need a better mindset! I am setting forth my intention and believing I can do it. I can! I will keep this blog posted. In the back of my mind I will always think I have made a commitment to my blog so I have to stay strong.

A Letter from the Post-Overeating Me

Hi Me,

You might be considering eating something right now. I am glad you open this letter up and read it before you take any action. If you finish reading this letter and still decide that you are going to eat, I am okay with it. Just know that I love you so much, much more than anything in this world, even more than I do my parents and my boyfriend. You are the most important thing to me. And I am writing this letter not to chain you or discipline you, but to protect you. No matter how rough the world is, I will still support and care about you unconditionally. You feel the same way to me, don't you?

I am stuffed. It's a terrible horrible feeling you don't want to be in. I feel bloated and disgusted. There is nothing good coming out of overeating, you know. You don't enjoy the processes not do you enjoy the consequence. Now I am in the position where I can tell you that I suffer. Yes I suffer so badly that I want to cry, want to beat myself up. I feel so defeated and miserable. My stomach is protruding and I feel like my waist is several inch bigger. I suffer the feeling that 'I can never lose weight and I will be confined in this body I hate.' I don't know what I should say to anybody to expect me to be healthy and happy. I hate lying that I am fine and everything is okay. I hate refusing to attend social eating event because I have binged too much and feel guilty. You know what? All this misery happens after the first bite, the freaking first bite where everything rolls out of control.

And I have been here for years now. Yes, for years. And years are such a long time. If I can take all the time, energy, and mental resource I waste on this overeating habit, I probably can make millions or fly to the moon by now.

You might be thinking that you can just eat now and start new plan tomorrow. You know how this kind of thoughts do not work, right? If it works, you should have been free from this shit now that you have spent years battling it. This moment is the precious time to catch whatever you want, because you only have it once. If you don't start now, you can never really start living your life.

Could you do me a favor? Smile, close your eyes, and welcome craving sensation. Tell it you are okay living with it. Understand that it can be there without your reacting to it. This, too, shall pass.

You no longer need to second guess your decision not to eat. You do not discipline yourself; you are doing yourself a favor. Imagine that if you can get through this fifteen minutes you can get through today. You can get through tomorrow and you can be free from this trap. You have to start being responsible for your destiny right now. Yes, RIGHT NOW. No other moment is more perfect than this!

Finally, the decision is in your hands. You know how I genuinely wish you the best. I love you just like you love me. Let's get through this. We will find ourselves in a better place in no time.

Love You Wholeheartedly,
Me

Maybe I Don't Want to Quit Overeating

Yesterday I read an ebook about sugar addiction from First Ourselves. [Note To Self: read the whole blog. It's full of uplifting messages.] I place the book down with high motivation, telling myself "bye bye sugar."

The next day I start up the day fresh eating vegetable soup in the morning and broccoli saute for lunch. An hour after lunch, I feel intense and instant craving for cinnamon bun! I don't have cinnamon bun regularly, actually I have 'officially' had it only once.

I thought to myself the mantra I got from the ebook, "I'm stronger that cinnamon bun craving. I choose my life, not the cinnamon bun." I tell myself to hold on for another 15 minutes, if I still want it, I have a choice to go get it. No deprivation.

During that 15 minutes, it was pretty intense craving right there. I started thinking that "I actually don't want to quit sugar." I'm dreadful for the fact that I will never enjoy brownies and cookies again for the rest of my life." It's a heavy feeling.

15 minutes after, I felt funny throughout my body as if my blood was filled with sugar again. The craving disappeared. I become physically happy again, but mentally I have changed from my intention. I think maybe it's a little too extreme to cut out sugar completely from my life.

A few hours later, I went home to have my afternoon meal. I prepared chicken salad for this meal last night. I enjoy it. The first bowl, the second bowl, the third bowl have passed. I told myself that as long as I eat healthy stuff I will allow myself to eat as much as I want.

After 3 bowls of salad, I decided that a handful of cheddar pretzel won't hurt. Then another handful and another one are followed by a stack of cracker, a bowl of cereal and several handfuls of pretzel. I felt so bad for myself. "Here is another time that I fail," I must have thought that. I took a nap to escape from guilt. 2 hours later, I woke up, but napping did not make crappy feeling go away. I swallow another bowl of cereal, several handfuls of pretzel and 2 peanut butter cookies.

I can't stand it anymore.

I am disgusted and disappointed. I am not this person. I feel defeated. Why on earth can I manage to pull perfect grades, and other academic achievements, but surrender to this stupid overeating vicious cycle? Why can't I break free from it. It should be easy and fast. Something as simple as 'not eating.' Something all people in the world can do intuitively. Why the hell do I suffer from this?

I understand exactly the moment I get caught up in craving. I just want the food so much that nothing else matters. Sometimes I take a shortcut by just eating without thinking about it. I avoid the pain of hesitation by stuffing my mouth. I extend my procrastination period a little longer, but keeping food in my mouth. As long as it's meal time, my meal break can extend a little longer and a tiny bit longer. As long as I have food in my mouth...

I know this is negative. I know I am supposed to think positively, picturing myself in the state where I can break free from this shit. I know. But maybe it's time to give myself a wake-up call. This is not okay. This is beyond acting for pleasure. This is beyond moderation. I need to stop it consciously. Whether the approach is to hug myself through it or whip myself through it, I gotta do it.

I immediately open this blog right after the last bite of peanut butter cookie. I hope, by sharing my inner feeling to the world, I can overcome this battle. I will keep updating what I do each day, whether good news or bad news, I will not run away...